When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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