Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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