my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
