Acid is not a monday night drug
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
