Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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