I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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