I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
there is glitter all over my balls
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
