Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
