i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
well most of my day revolves around power hour
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
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