threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
