just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
