Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
