I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
