I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
