so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just googled if crying burns calories
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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