You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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