you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
