i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
that's an acceptable place to lick
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
