peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
