the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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