the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
