I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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