she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
