Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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