i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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