we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
