don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
