i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
