It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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