Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
