She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
