she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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