What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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