ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
did i just pee glitter
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
