his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
