Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
