Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
