dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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