I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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