I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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