hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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