You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
