Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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