Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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