it was like his penis was on wheels.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
