What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
