I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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