you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
