I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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