How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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